Stumpy Grinder and is wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Martha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Martha, I'm 71 years old, if I don't go this time I may not evah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quite for the entire ride and not say ONE word and I won't charge you. But just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and they go up... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time and still nothing.. so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well I was gonna say something when Martha fell out.. but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

Liam Delaney
Atherton QLD

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful women sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oops, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman turned on him "What the hell do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back into his chair, and said "Ahhh..airport security."

My Brother Mark was a C-130E navigator with 37 Squadron on his first overseas trip. The herc's first stop was a USAF base near Los Angeles. The name of the base escapes me but it was around the time of the release of the F-117 stealth fighter. The Aussie boys with their Larrikin sense of humour were on finals getting last minute info from the tower when the captain of the herc said, "Tower, is that a F-117 stealth on the apron?" The reply from the Tower was affirmative, the nthe captain said "oh good, I thought we picked up something on our radar".
The tone from the tower was pretty cold. I can always picture it in my head - only an Australian would think of it.

Mick Cairns
Cowan Melbourne

• Ocean Crossing Flight: This is your captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices
• Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognise where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
• Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock..... one on our tail!!!!!! Eject!! Eject!!!
• As the plane turns around right after take-off:....uhhhhh....we have to go back ...we ...we ...uhhhh ...forgot something...
• This is your captain speaking... These stupid planes are alot different than the ships I'm used to, so you'll have to give me some leeway...
• Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sightseeing extravaganza.
• In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child... Pick your favourite!
• On a long haul flight with a very 'experienced' cabin crew, the captain said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enchance the appearence of your flight attendants."